Displays of Affection (Prompt # 8 - PDA at NCSSM)

Displays of Affection

by James Lisk

July 21, 2025

 

In Douglas Adam’s book So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish (part of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy book series), the main character, Arthur, falls into a romance with a young woman named Fenchurch. Fenchurch could already float an inch off the ground, so it was an easy matter for Arthur to teach her how to fly. In the book, flying is largely a matter of forgetting how to fall.  Once they could both fly, they took their dates into the clouds. And if you want to know what they did in the clouds, Douglas Adams is quite clear: “It is none of your business.”

Alas, I still have not forgotten how to fall, so when Beth and I started dating at NCSSM in 1980, there was no way for me to teach her how to fly. So the clouds were few and far between.

When Beth and I were together on campus, holding hands, walking with my arm around her just felt nice. More than that? Refer to Douglas Adams.

The PDA trouble may have started on a nice sunny day, maybe the second week, when Beth and I were sitting under one of the oaks in front the Main Building (now called the Bryan Center) and a reporter, I believe for the Durham Morning Herald, was touring the campus. We were both studying, but we were also clearly together. We weren’t the only couple the reporter saw that day. But when her article was published, it said something to the effect that “the school looks more like the North Carolina School of Lovers than of Science and Math.” I still feel sorry for that reporter, and wonder if she has ever been able to get a date.

Clearly though, something had to be done. After all, NCSSM was just getting started and needed a reputation as a serious, academic institution. A two or maybe a three-pronged approach to the issue seemed to be taken by the administration.

NCSSM director, Dr. Eilber, speaking to the students in the library in 1980

First, there was the PDA talk. Up to that point, I’d never heard the term “Public Display of Affection.” We students were all politely reminded that we needed to be mindful of all the eyes on us. During that discussion, one of the guys responded that we were now away from our families and friends, and that “it is easier to stand on four legs than on two.”

Second, was having the residential advisors monitor the dorm commons areas and a set of rules for co-educational interactions. In one instance in a common area, a teacher wacked the buttocks of a young man to break his embrace from his affectionate girl.  

Third, seemed to be something of a concession to the students, with regular dances and outings being organized to allow time for socializing in a non-private setting outside the public eye. Maybe that was planned all along, after all we were teenagers. Those events gave us a needed chance to step away from home work and the books.

I recall only one specific occasion when I was clearly chastised for PDA, and that was off-campus. Beth and I went to church with several other students, including Saralynn Hawkins and Chris Staffa, driven by Chris’ mother. During the worship service, I put my arm around Beth and got a very stern look from the assistant minister, Rev. Wilson Gunn, who was also our Sunday School teacher. I promptly removed my arm. He later asked that I not put my arm around Beth during worship.

One staff comment came when I had my arm around Beth, walking down the hall. Dot Doyle approached, looking at me she said, “I know she’s great, but I need to talk with her for a bit” and then pulled Beth away.

 

Dating happened at NCSSM, and displays of affection were part of that. Flirtations happened, couples came together, and most broke up while at NCSSM or later. Beth and I dated steadily while at NCSSM, but our college choices challenged our relationship.

While Beth and I were brought together by North Carolina, during college, with me at Virginia Tech and Beth at Furman University in South Carolina, we were geographically separated by North Carolina. Beth and her family moved to Kingsport, Tennessee after she left NCSSM, further from from my home, but relatively close to Virginia Tech. Getting together during breaks required planning, a car and gas money, and I was the proverbially broke college guy. With no car on campus my freshman year, visits were out. Long distance relationships are hard, especially in the days before smart phones replaced expensive long distance phone calls.  

Neither Beth nor I had friends attending our respective college at the start of our freshman year. At Virginia Tech, everyone else seemed to know at least a dozen other folks; making friends took effort.    

During college, we stayed in touch largely with weekly letters and occasional phone calls. We saw each other on occasion during breaks or the rare weekend trip. And yes, we went out with other people. 

I experienced some dark times at Virginia Tech: times I thought Beth and I would never be together again, times certain professors seemed to have it in for me, and when my favorite professor was killed in an auto accident. When my dad was laid-off from his job and my financial aid was cut in my Junior year, I seriously considered dropping out of school to work. Beth and I remained at least friends throughout.

In a summer session between Junior and Senior year, Chemical Engineering students like me must take the Unit Operations Lab. That summer, in 1985, Beth visited several times and I proposed marriage. But I didn’t ask the right way: 1) I didn’t have a ring, 2) I hadn’t talked to her father and 3) I totally forgot about the down on one knee thing. I was quickly able to fix number 3, but the talk with her parents had to wait until Thanksgiving, and the ring had to wait for me to get a student loan. In hind-sight, I should have borrowed more! We married in 1987, while I was in graduate school, still broke, and Beth was working as an accountant. Now in 2025, with two kids and two grand kids, we’re still together.